So kids usually start focusing on college, their dreams and
where they want to go junior/senior year, not me. I came to the realization
recently that all I ever cared about in life until now is love. That has been
my motive in life, to find love, to give it, to totally embody it.
Unfortunately that doesn’t help you figure out what you should do with your
life, because that is just not realistic. I’m pretty sure my parents tried to
discourage me from starting out at a big university, and for good reason; I was
so not ready. Alas, I am stubborn as
all hell and had my way and chose the wrong college for all the wrong reasons;
i.e. best friend and boyfriend (at the time) chose that school, no brainer
right? Wrong. I learned the hard way to never make your decisions based upon
other people and where they go, only do things for you, at least if you’re
single and young, I’m not that
experienced.
So the first week of college was obviously nothing but a
drunken mess, much like it is for most kids. I made a poor choice one night,
got in a fight with the ex-boyfriend at a party, cried and nobody would leave
with me, so I walked home, alone, with a fifth of alcohol in tow. DUMB! I was
only 19, walking in heels and drunk. Some cops driving by saw me, stopped me,
issued me an MIP and took me home. Now I was not in a good mind set, drunk,
sad; college was not turning out how I’d wanted at all. I made a really really
poor choice. I had been struggling with depression and low self-worth for quite
some time, so I made the decision to try and take my own life. Probably the
most least likely way to do so but I didn’t know what the hell I was doing. I went
for the extra 5th of booze we had at home, chugged as much as I could
and took as many of my anti-depressants as I could, started to cut and passed
out. I was found by my friends. Eventually
an ambulance and some cops showed up, I was taken to the hospital and
everything ended up okay for me. Unfortunately back at home, my closest friends
were all getting MIPs, and it was MY
fault, or at least I harbored that feeling for a long time. They hated me after
that, but of course being catty women, nobody told me they had a problem with
me, just did things behind my back.
I started going home every weekend to stay out of trouble,
and one Sunday I came back and mistakenly checked my roommate’s phone. The
words I read hurt me and also fired me up with anger. “She’s home, fucking kill
me.” “Did she find it yet?”…. Did I find what?
And how do I make someone so miserable with my lack of presence that they say
they want to die. I was curious; roommate was in the shower, so I went on a
search. Guess what I found? My favorite sweatshirt, balled up in my bed just
waiting for me to find; someone had taken a shit and wiped their ass with it
and just threw it in my bed for me to find. Guess that’s what they thought of
me huh? It’s probably funny to people who weren’t in the situation, I can even
find humor in it these days. But what the FUCK?! Really? I’m sorry that I hated
myself so much already I was planning to do you all a favor, but once I made it
through you showed me that you had wished I didn’t. That’s the message I got
from what they did. What did I do next? Immediate threw the sweatshirt in my
roommates face, I believe my exact words were “what the fuck is this?!” She
laughed… LAUGHED, and said “I don’t know”,
tossing it back to me. Knew that one wasn’t going anywhere so I decided to grab
a few things to stay elsewhere and peaced the eff out, cursing at her. The next
day, I moved out while she was gone, never told her I was leaving, never texted
or talked to her since. Aside from the time I drunkenly forgave those bitches
at a bar a few years later, forgiveness does heal a little, but it sucks you
can never forget, most of the time.
So I moved home, embraced by some old friends who loved me,
started college up, got a boyfriend, and it STILL wasn’t the right time for
school because I flunked my first semester, at community college… ugh. Any who long story short I am still at said
community college, doing much better, but still trying to figure out what to do
with my life. I just finished my semester yesterday and had recently decided I was
gonna take a break from school to find what my passion is and stop wasting
money. So here I am, doing my passion, writing. Maybe I’m not the best at it,
but I enjoy writing, I don’t tell many people about myself so it’s interesting I
can share so much in a public forum. Maybe it’s because nobody can say anything
immediately back, and not to my face; it stings less that way. But it gets a
lot off my chest and I thank anyone who reads it or feels from it or can relate
to it. Again I want to say, I do not condone self-harm or hatred, I just want
my story out there, and to let people know there is someone like you who goes
thru it too, someone you can talk to. Please don’t ever hesitate to contact me
if you are having thoughts of self-harm. I am here, day and night.
Thanks again for stopping by, as always feel free to leave a
comment and/or request of what you’d like to read about sometime. Have a great
day!! J
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