It all started the day after Christmas in 1987; baby Kacey
was born a few months early, even broke mama’s water in November and tried to
come earlier. Boy was I eager to get into this world, which is odd considering
how many times I’ve wanted to leave it. Yes, I know I have a terrible
disrespect and under appreciation for the gift we call life, but that is what
therapy is for, which will be addressed in another post. So being a Christmas
baby is actually not awful for me, a lot of people get gipped and overlooked or
get combined gifts, but I always tell people: I have a great family so my
birthday is separate from Christmas. I have been very fortunate for that, and
even with my friends, they separate the two occasions for meJ.
I grew up in Ann Arbor, Michigan going to private school
from K- 8th grade. I was really big into figure skating
competitively and I was on a synchronized skating team most of those years.
When 8th grade graduation came, I had a choice to make. Skating and
traveling the world with my team, or going to a new high school and meeting new
people, especially boys. The boy crazy, teenage fool in me said the latter, so
we moved to Dexter, Michigan because my parents found neither Ann Arbor Public
nor Private Schools not a good “fit” for me. I have recently figured out that
at the time it was the right choice for me to quit and choose high school; I
was done with skating, I had done it for 10 years, but I have regretted not
choosing skating for many years, especially since the start of a new high
school wasn’t the greatest experience I’ve had. Don’t get me wrong, I have also
learned that I wouldn’t know some of the great people I do now if I hadn’t made
the choice I did. But the next four years of my life, it’s hard to say I’d
completely take back, there was some good, but 80% bad. Just all bad. I was
new, it was a small town, if you didn’t grow up there, nobody liked you and
nobody was nice to you. I even tried playing every sport from basketball,
volleyball to softball. I made a few friends here and there but really only a
couple long lasting ones. There were also made up rumors about me in high
school, people would walk around the halls behind me, yelling nicknames at me. I’m
not sure even I have a count on the number of times I went home and cried over
those jerks.
After years of
torture, self-hate and self-harm, it was finally time for college.
Unfortunately, I wasn’t ready for college; I had no idea what I was doing, and
little guidance. I barely graduated high school, and didn’t know what I wanted
to do with my life and picked my college based on my best friend and boyfriend
at the time, world’s dumbest idea. Sometimes I wish I had a little harder push
from my parents when I resisted their telling me I wasn’t ready, because they
let me go off to college, where I fucked up my entire life. Okay didn’t eff it
up totally but I changed everything, for the worse, and to some extent I still
regret all my choices. I know, I know, no regrets, but that’s a.) close to
impossible and b.) there are some things in life you should regret. For example
killing people; no I didn’t do that but I’m just sayin’ there are definitely
things in life people should regret; just don’t dwell too much like I have. So basically my first week of college, I got
an MIP (Minor in Possession of Alcohol) and did some other stupid things I will
address in yet another future post. So I dropped out of that college shortly
after and moved home.
Once I moved home I was kindly embraced by my old friends
from high school, the once who stayed in the area for school or whatever their
next adventures were. I started therapy and met an awesome guy and things
turned around for a while. Sadly my entire life I have struggled with
depression and anxiety so it sometimes gets the best of my relationships and
drags me down in life. Since then, I have been attending our local community
college on and off, trying to figure out what to do with my life. I have made
some great life-long friends, dated a few dapper dudes and some duds. Mainly
I’ve just been struggling with the concept of why on earth God wants me here,
because the only thing I contribute to this place is my loving heart, which I
know the world needs more of, but most days I don’t feel like I make a
difference. I had been feeling pretty low up until a month ago, questioning whether
I really could handle this and wanted to be here. Fortunately for my loved ones
and friends, I realized I don’t even have the balls to do something stupid. So
for now I am just working on being patient, positive and happy and taking a
hiatus from school. Some people may not agree with my choice of taking a break,
because people usually never go back to school, but I’ve already done that
twice so I have complete faith in myself. And fortunately I am teaching myself
to not give a darn what anyone thinks of me or my actions and do what I want
for I will be criticized anyway. Thanks Eleanor Roosevelt.
Thanks for reading this insanely long post. It could’ve been
more detailed, actually it was until edited, so you’re welcome :P…Stay tuned
for the next post, I have a few ideas cooked up. And as always, please let me
know any questions, comments or requests for post topics you may have in the
comment section.
Have a great day yall! Stay Patient and Positive
J
Tyler Knott Gregson is my favorite writer of all time
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