College Thus Far

It’s hard to minimize periods of life into a post and I’m a wordy gal so I'm sorry for these lengthy ones. You’re lucky I left out some of the details I have so far!! So let’s get back to school, college, where I started and where I am now.

So kids usually start focusing on college, their dreams and where they want to go junior/senior year, not me. I came to the realization recently that all I ever cared about in life until now is love. That has been my motive in life, to find love, to give it, to totally embody it. Unfortunately that doesn’t help you figure out what you should do with your life, because that is just not realistic. I’m pretty sure my parents tried to discourage me from starting out at a big university, and for good reason; I was so not ready. Alas, I am stubborn as all hell and had my way and chose the wrong college for all the wrong reasons; i.e. best friend and boyfriend (at the time) chose that school, no brainer right? Wrong. I learned the hard way to never make your decisions based upon other people and where they go, only do things for you, at least if you’re single and young, I’m not that experienced.

So the first week of college was obviously nothing but a drunken mess, much like it is for most kids. I made a poor choice one night, got in a fight with the ex-boyfriend at a party, cried and nobody would leave with me, so I walked home, alone, with a fifth of alcohol in tow. DUMB! I was only 19, walking in heels and drunk. Some cops driving by saw me, stopped me, issued me an MIP and took me home. Now I was not in a good mind set, drunk, sad; college was not turning out how I’d wanted at all. I made a really really poor choice. I had been struggling with depression and low self-worth for quite some time, so I made the decision to try and take my own life. Probably the most least likely way to do so but I didn’t know what the hell I was doing. I went for the extra 5^th of booze we had at home, chugged as much as I could and took as many of my anti-depressants as I could, started to cut and passed out.  I was found by my friends. Eventually an ambulance and some cops showed up, I was taken to the hospital and everything ended up okay for me. Unfortunately back at home, my closest friends were all getting MIPs, and it was MY fault, or at least I harbored that feeling for a long time. They hated me after that, but of course being catty women, nobody told me they had a problem with me, just did things behind my back.

I started going home every weekend to stay out of trouble, and one Sunday I came back and mistakenly checked my roommate’s phone. The words I read hurt me and also fired me up with anger. “She’s home, fucking kill me.” “Did she find it yet?”…. Did I find what? And how do I make someone so miserable with my lack of presence that they say they want to die. I was curious; roommate was in the shower, so I went on a search. Guess what I found? My favorite sweatshirt, balled up in my bed just waiting for me to find; someone had taken a shit and wiped their ass with it and just threw it in my bed for me to find. Guess that’s what they thought of me huh? It’s probably funny to people who weren’t in the situation, I can even find humor in it these days. But what the FUCK?! Really? I’m sorry that I hated myself so much already I was planning to do you all a favor, but once I made it through you showed me that you had wished I didn’t. That’s the message I got from what they did. What did I do next? Immediate threw the sweatshirt in my roommates face, I believe my exact words were “what the fuck is this?!” She laughed… LAUGHED, and said “I don’t know”, tossing it back to me. Knew that one wasn’t going anywhere so I decided to grab a few things to stay elsewhere and peaced the eff out, cursing at her. The next day, I moved out while she was gone, never told her I was leaving, never texted or talked to her since. Aside from the time I drunkenly forgave those bitches at a bar a few years later, forgiveness does heal a little, but it sucks you can never forget, most of the time.

So I moved home, embraced by some old friends who loved me, started college up, got a boyfriend, and it STILL wasn’t the right time for school because I flunked my first semester, at community college… ugh. Any who long story short I am still at said community college, doing much better, but still trying to figure out what to do with my life. I just finished my semester yesterday and had recently decided I was gonna take a break from school to find what my passion is and stop wasting money. So here I am, doing my passion, writing. Maybe I’m not the best at it, but I enjoy writing, I don’t tell many people about myself so it’s interesting I can share so much in a public forum. Maybe it’s because nobody can say anything immediately back, and not to my face; it stings less that way. But it gets a lot off my chest and I thank anyone who reads it or feels from it or can relate to it. Again I want to say, I do not condone self-harm or hatred, I just want my story out there, and to let people know there is someone like you who goes thru it too, someone you can talk to. Please don’t ever hesitate to contact me if you are having thoughts of self-harm. I am here, day and night.

Thanks again for stopping by, as always feel free to leave a comment and/or request of what you’d like to read about sometime. Have a great day!! J

High School in a Nutshell

I felt like high school might be a good post, I really want to chronicle some of the bigger events in my life to get my readers to know me better and who I am and what ive been through; to get my story out there, even if nobody is reading it.

 My family moved to Dexter in October 2002. The summer before freshman year I went to basketball camp and tryouts at Dexter High School because I loved sports and my parents thought it’d be a good way to meet some new friends before school started. Well, it took a while, because a.) I was kind of shy, and b.) nobody there embraced me, only the seniors, which was only because they felt sorry for me after finding me in the storage room crying, not because they wanted to be my friend. So basketball was rocky, I made maybe one friend I was semi-close with on and off through high school. I quit basketball after the first year; I wasn’t as skilled as most of the girls and most of them weren’t nice to me. Plus in such a small community I wasn’t going to move up or get any playing time if I did, favorites were already locked in before high school.

So onto the next sport, volleyball, I love volleyball and thought I was really good at it. Apparently not though; when it was time to move up to JV as a sophomore, they asked me to stay on the freshman team, so humiliating I’m not even sure why I chose to do so; probably because I love volleyball a lot. I did make a few good friends actually, three of them are still good friends of mine to this day. And what do you know; one of them is not a Dexter native either, probably why we got along so well.

So junior year I opted out of volleyball and all sports all together and just did the social thing. Junior year was probably one of my favorite years because of my boyfriend, he was the bom.com and I was pretty proud to call him mine. He would be my “one that got away” so to speak, but I know obviously we aren’t meant to be together, I just wish I had done some things differently, he deserved better. I was always such a boy crazy girl, I had a boyfriend every year, looking back its funny I was so insecure.  The four boyfriends of the four years were great guys, I’m all sentimental and try to stay in touch, but none of them are really like that. I’m still friends with them all actually but nobody likes to reminisce with me about our love, shocking. Haha

So let’s get down to why I claim high school was so terrible. Well, the new girl that nobody knows anything about is the easiest target for starting rumors. And yeah I had done some stupid things to try and gain favor, i.e. getting drunk at parties, kissing girls and flashing my boobs (ONCE!) Queue the bacon rumor: Apparently I flashed my vagina to some dudes and it looked like bacon. First I would like to clarify, THAT DID NOT HAPPEN! Never has, never will. It sounds funny now, especially because it’s not true, and who would do that?! But people made me out to be some super slut and would follow me around the hallways screaming “BACON!” and other lovely insults. I cannot tell you how often I went home crying. This was all pretty hard for me because I can be a little high strung and take things really personally. I hold everything in and burry it deep, I don’t like confrontation or to admit I’m not okay; both things I’m working on. Instead of turning out to someone who cared about me for help and a listening ear, I leaned to writing really sad poetry and self-harm. I still encourage writing, just maybe not as sad or about the same things, but I do not condone self-harm.

Anywho… when I was found out, about the cutting and the journaling, I was obviously sent straight to a shrink and then onto therapy. My entire life since then I have been on and off going to a therapist. I have always seen a shrink, the shrink provides the meds that keep me stable, but I have slacked and stopped taking them before, I struggle with not wanting to have to be medicated to be normal. But I do realize is a chemical imbalance so it’s not my fault and if I want to feel okay I might need the meds, hence why I am back in therapy and on them again.

I just wanted to get my bullying story out there today; I have had people call me fat, ugly, slutty, stupid, so many names, just like many of you have. I am so against bullying because of this, and not just because of my personal experience, but because I am a lover with a huge heart, I don’t believe in treating people so poorly. I do need to remind myself of my own advice sometimes though, I get in gossipy moods and some days I feel like that’s bullying too, talking about others. I have long-since wanted to get involved in an anti-bullying program, maybe be a speaker, or just get involved somehow. If anyone knows of anything I would really love to hear about any opportunities. I would also love to hear your stories too. I never want anyone to feel how I did, to resort to the methods I did. I wouldn’t wish that feeling on even my worst enemies. So please, feel free if EVER you are feeling low, sad or just need to talk to someone, my email should be listed here, you can comment on this post, contact me any way possible!! I just don’t want you feeling alone or making a poor choice!

As always thanks for tuning in to hear my story, anything you want to know or read about please feel free to leave a comment or email me! Have a great day yall!! J

Life story thus far

It all started the day after Christmas in 1987; baby Kacey was born a few months early, even broke mama’s water in November and tried to come earlier. Boy was I eager to get into this world, which is odd considering how many times I’ve wanted to leave it. Yes, I know I have a terrible disrespect and under appreciation for the gift we call life, but that is what therapy is for, which will be addressed in another post. So being a Christmas baby is actually not awful for me, a lot of people get gipped and overlooked or get combined gifts, but I always tell people: I have a great family so my birthday is separate from Christmas. I have been very fortunate for that, and even with my friends, they separate the two occasions for meJ.

I grew up in Ann Arbor, Michigan going to private school from K- 8^th grade. I was really big into figure skating competitively and I was on a synchronized skating team most of those years. When 8^th grade graduation came, I had a choice to make. Skating and traveling the world with my team, or going to a new high school and meeting new people, especially boys. The boy crazy, teenage fool in me said the latter, so we moved to Dexter, Michigan because my parents found neither Ann Arbor Public nor Private Schools not a good “fit” for me. I have recently figured out that at the time it was the right choice for me to quit and choose high school; I was done with skating, I had done it for 10 years, but I have regretted not choosing skating for many years, especially since the start of a new high school wasn’t the greatest experience I’ve had. Don’t get me wrong, I have also learned that I wouldn’t know some of the great people I do now if I hadn’t made the choice I did. But the next four years of my life, it’s hard to say I’d completely take back, there was some good, but 80% bad. Just all bad. I was new, it was a small town, if you didn’t grow up there, nobody liked you and nobody was nice to you. I even tried playing every sport from basketball, volleyball to softball. I made a few friends here and there but really only a couple long lasting ones. There were also made up rumors about me in high school, people would walk around the halls behind me, yelling nicknames at me. I’m not sure even I have a count on the number of times I went home and cried over those jerks.

 After years of torture, self-hate and self-harm, it was finally time for college. Unfortunately, I wasn’t ready for college; I had no idea what I was doing, and little guidance. I barely graduated high school, and didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life and picked my college based on my best friend and boyfriend at the time, world’s dumbest idea. Sometimes I wish I had a little harder push from my parents when I resisted their telling me I wasn’t ready, because they let me go off to college, where I fucked up my entire life. Okay didn’t eff it up totally but I changed everything, for the worse, and to some extent I still regret all my choices. I know, I know, no regrets, but that’s a.) close to impossible and b.) there are some things in life you should regret. For example killing people; no I didn’t do that but I’m just sayin’ there are definitely things in life people should regret; just don’t dwell too much like I have.  So basically my first week of college, I got an MIP (Minor in Possession of Alcohol) and did some other stupid things I will address in yet another future post. So I dropped out of that college shortly after and moved home.

Once I moved home I was kindly embraced by my old friends from high school, the once who stayed in the area for school or whatever their next adventures were. I started therapy and met an awesome guy and things turned around for a while. Sadly my entire life I have struggled with depression and anxiety so it sometimes gets the best of my relationships and drags me down in life. Since then, I have been attending our local community college on and off, trying to figure out what to do with my life. I have made some great life-long friends, dated a few dapper dudes and some duds. Mainly I’ve just been struggling with the concept of why on earth God wants me here, because the only thing I contribute to this place is my loving heart, which I know the world needs more of, but most days I don’t feel like I make a difference. I had been feeling pretty low up until a month ago, questioning whether I really could handle this and wanted to be here. Fortunately for my loved ones and friends, I realized I don’t even have the balls to do something stupid. So for now I am just working on being patient, positive and happy and taking a hiatus from school. Some people may not agree with my choice of taking a break, because people usually never go back to school, but I’ve already done that twice so I have complete faith in myself. And fortunately I am teaching myself to not give a darn what anyone thinks of me or my actions and do what I want for I will be criticized anyway. Thanks Eleanor Roosevelt.

Thanks for reading this insanely long post. It could’ve been more detailed, actually it was until edited, so you’re welcome :P…Stay tuned for the next post, I have a few ideas cooked up. And as always, please let me know any questions, comments or requests for post topics you may have in the comment section.

Have a great day yall! Stay Patient and Positive J

Tyler Knott Gregson is my favorite writer of all time

Why Patience & Positivity

Patience and positivity are two things I have the most trouble with in my life, and maybe anger, but I loop that in with patience usually. I thought it was a good name for my blog because those are my two mantras I have been trying to follow. They go together perfectly and I like that they sort of go together with the whole P beginning letter, maybe someday I can add perseverance once I accomplish these two things on a daily basis! I am not sure which word to write about first because I think I have an equal problem being both things, so let’s go alphabetical on this.

Patience has always been an issue of mine; I’m just not sure I have always noticed it was specifically patience that was the problem. Or maybe I just didn't know the perfect word for my issue, whatever the case; I realized I had a problem while driving. I think anyone who has driven in the car with me can tell you that I have a major problem being patient. I curse, I cut people off, I drive VERY aggressively and get super angry. It is not a pretty sight; it’s actually quite embarrassing after the fact. That’s what one of my biggest issues is; not realizing I’m doing something until afterwards when I feel all silly for getting so worked up. However, the first step is to be able to acknowledge your unhealthy behavior. Second is to be able to know its happening in that moment and put a stop to it right then. I’m on step two of things, I realize I have a huge issue with patience already, so now I am working on figuring out exactly when I’m being impatient, calling myself out for it, and trying to stop it. Some days I am better at this than other days, but hey, I’m a work in progress, we all are.

Positivity is also a daily struggle I have, however I haven’t always been the most negative person. I think this may have developed with puberty, or maybe a little before; probably when that boy called me fat in 5^th grade. The sad part about it is it only started as a physical thing, I am very, very hard on myself when it comes to my physical appearance, and I don’t blame it on that boy, I blame it on myself, and society. I have always been a thicker bodied person; I’m built of an odd mix of athletic and curvy, go figure. I used to think that I had Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD). On bad days I will really beat myself up with that self-hate and self-criticism and tell myself that I am disgusting and any other hurtful word I could come up with; but on my good days I would look back and be like wow, that is a little harsh, yet still I wouldn't tell myself that it was wrong or that I was beautiful. I have gone on this round about for years and just recently jumped off. I’m not sure how or why but I finally started to feel beautiful. I lost 25 lbs. (so far) this year, but who am I kidding its almost over, so probably no more, but there’s always next year! Regardless of all circumstances in life and how much we weigh or what our noses or lips or whatever body part we don’t like looks like, it is importance to practice self-love because life is too short to not love yourself and all that you are blessed to be. Also, I have a quote I like to tell myself in regards to this and finding love: “Who’s gonna love you if you don’t love you”. And it’s true, it’s pretty unattractive to others when someone is constantly bashing themselves and has no confidence, trust me. I promise you I have ruined quite a few of my relationships over my insecurities, and obviously not just that, but I do know it was a huge factor in those situations. So one thing I do to practice self-love so far; is my motivational wall, with motivational sayings and pictures of my friends I have lost at early ages. I also have a post-it with patience, positivity, and a sweet saying to remind myself every day to love myself, pictures will be at the end :)

Driving and body image are not the only two things I struggle with in terms of patience and positivity; I just didn’t want this post to be ten pages long :P haha But thanks for stopping by again and checking this out and giving me a shot. I’m hoping to get more skills in the blogging area and learn what to write about and how to be more entertaining. I should give a forewarning that I have the mouth of a sailor and some pretty obscene humor at times so I apologize if I am ever offensive. As always please feel free to leave comments, and also feel free to ask questions or make requests of what you might like to read about. I hope everyone is having a great weekend! 

Body Issues...Dun Dun Dun!

Today we’re gonna talk about body issues, quite possibly one of the most widely discuss topics out there. My issues started at the age of 10, when during my class birthday party at school, a boy called me fat for having more than one candy bar. I’m not even sure if I was “fat” or overweight at the time, but that stuck with me forever. I don’t still think about the kid, or hold it against him, but I wonder if I would’ve ever had these serious issues had he not said anything. Maybe my body issues go along with my depression, because some days I don’t notice my flaws at all or don’t hate them as much as usual, and other days I beat myself up terribly over the extra weight I carry around. We all know society holds people to pretty high standards when it comes to physical appearance, and I have doubts it will ever change; at least probably not in my life time. So I think that is exactly where my issues came from, other than that stupid comment in middle school.

I’ve always been a pretty active person, played every sport there was from grade school through high school and I still exercise to this day. I just have had periods of no activity and being comfortable in my routine. I’ll bet someone else knows what it’s like to get into that boyfriend stage and eat out all the time and forget the gym membership you’re wasting money on by never going. So those are really my worst downfalls, social situations. I love to have a good time, and let’s be honest, majority of the time I would prefer to be having a blast at a bar rather than a gym. But the gym isn’t exactly supposed to be fun so that’s just another lame excuse, people don’t always go to the gym because they want to, but they go because they should. And by should I mean it’s good for you, so do it!

So here’s where actually being overweight started, because I think all my years in middle school and high school were wasted years of hating my body that Lord knows I would kill to have back. I always thought I was a bigger girl because all my friends are stick thin skinny minnies. So it all started in 2007.  I had been dating this guy for almost a year and fell into that comfortable stage I was talking about earlier. I’m not exactly sure how much weight I gained during the process, but I ended up at 170 lbs. That is a lot for a 5’3” (at the time) girl. I have always been thicker boned and muscular so I carry the weight well, but I think that’s another thing I attribute to being fat. I’m built very different from all of my friends so I had grown up hating my body, what a waste of energy I’m finding that was and is. So here we are at 170 lbs, my insecurity gets the best of me, always, I used to be insanely insecure and it has gotten the best of my and all of my relationships until this point in my life. Thankfully due to this new stage in my life I have found a world full of confidence I never knew I could have and never thought I deserved it or would find it. So we broke up, because of the insecurity, and I don’t blame him, it’s an ugly thing and I wasn’t proud of it. So I hired a personal trainer to whoop my butt into shape, and that he did. I lost 20 lbs and was feeling pretty damn good, despite how expensive the sessions were. I don’t regret it, because it helped me, but I don’t know that I’d ever pay so much for that type of thing again.

So five years have passed since then, and I’m not sure how the weight piled back on, but there were a few relationships in there, some spurts of depression, poor life choices, and one surgery that left me unable to exercise for a few weeks. I skyrocketed to 185 lbs. Good Lord for a short girl that is not attractive, and of course nobody would tell me I looked bad, because fortunately I do carry my weight very well. It doesn’t mean I should think I’m healthy and be happy with it though, and I wasn’t, and still aren’t. So in February of 2012 I joined a gym, desperate to lose weight. I’m not sure what my issue is, maybe a combo of not enough exercise and needing a better diet, but I have a really hard time losing weight. So I cleaned up my diet a lot, stopped drinking so much (I’m getting older, I can’t party like I’m 21 forever), exercised more and started to run. I don’t consider myself a runner, I have asthma and I was a smoker for a long time, and still do smoke sometimes on the weekends. But I can tell you this for sure; I would attribute my weight loss now, from drinking less and running more. I have lost 25 lbs in the past 3-4 months! And you best believe I’m not stopping yet. And I should point out that my goal isn’t to be skinny or rail thin, but I want to be fit, and healthy looking and not have the BMI of an obese person even though I’m probably only 20 lbs overweight. So friends, help me, push me, encourage me, and inspire me. I want to keep running, I want to be able to run a mile without stopping, I want to be able to run a 5k without walking, maybe a half marathon, maybe even a marathon. Running is amazing, therapeutic and helps me clear my head. It also has helped me reduce my cellulite considerably and I know how much we women hate that problem area.

So gist of today: if you are unhappy with your physical appearance, check yourself. Are you really overweight? Are you eating unhealthy and making unhealthy choices, developing bad habits? Do you exercise or get any physical activity? Losing weight/becoming more healthy is not a bad thing, you just need to make sure your motives are right. Hope my story could maybe shed some light or inspire anyone to feel like they can do it too!!  

As always, feel free to leave me comments, words of wisdom, or anything else.

 

Welcome!

As my first post I figured I’d give y’all a little background information on me and why I decided to start blogging. I am from Ann Arbor, MI; born and raised. I love this state because of its natural beauty, but to be honest I only started loving it this year, because it’s the warmest it’s ever been, and truth be told, I would like to get out of here ASAP, I just need to experience some new things; I’m sure everyone has been there at least once in their life. I work downtown at a law firm and have been pursuing my Associates Degree in Administrative Technology. However, as of late I have made the choice to take a hiatus from school. I realized that what I do for work, and what I’m going to school for, are not my calling. I am a very passionate person and I need the things I do in my life to have meaning, right now, nothing but my relationships (family, friends, etc.) mean anything to me, so that is something I’m changing. I decided to take a break from school, because I’m just wasting time and money doing something I don’t love, and I know the rate of people who take a break and don’t go back, I am not that person, I have taken a break and gone back before. So hopefully with this break what I’m going to start doing is volunteering and traveling. I need a good push to do things; I’m a procrastinator and am majorly indecisive, so I could definitely use some encouragement and pushing from friends, family, readers, etc.

So why did I decide to start blogging? Well I’m an honest, open book and I will tell you the truth from here on out, so if you don’t like reading it, don’t, and don’t leave negative comments either, because this girl is all about patience and positivity in her life. I digress, so I actually started this blog back in April, I had a few posts that I later deleted and decided to start fresh. I started it because I needed someone to talk to about things; I have this awful habit of keeping things inside and burying them deep, it’s unhealthy and will drive you mad. Have you ever felt like you have so much to complain about sometimes you can feel others getting tired of you talking? I’ve even felt it with my own mother, then again it could all be in my head; a lot of my worries usually are. I get off track a lot so forgive me and thanks for reading this far! So, a few months and a few sad, sappy, negative posts later I decided maybe I needed more than just a blank page on the Internet to talk to, someone who would give me feedback and not get sick of me, maybe she does but she can’t say so because she is my therapist. Yep, I said it, I see a counselor, and I’m not one bit ashamed to admit it. My life has changed tremendously for the better since then, I have learned so much about myself and so many coping tools and ways to deal with things and think about them, seriously I’ve never been happier with a choice, and I’ve been in therapy before, about ten years ago. The other reason I started this was because I love to write, a lot. I used to as a teen but it was more poetry to cope with depression and well that’s another story. But I love to write!

So  basically what I’ll be doing in this blog is journaling about the things I’ve been learning about life, myself, etc. through therapy and other things; also the fun things I do will be added, I’m not just a bag of boring with mental issues haha just kidding.  Another thing I’d like to keep you posted on, and I’ll do a separate post on that later, is weight loss. It’s a very rough journey as I’m sure many of you know, and mine has lasted fifteen years so far, from the age of 10. It’s not easy and I need support, encouragement and to be held accountable for when I start to slack or make excuses and not accomplish my goals. That’s where you guys (hopefully) come in! Thank you all so much for taking the time to read this and I hope you check it out again. Always feel free to leave comments or email me with questions/comments you may have!